#10 Why letting go of control is the strongest love

One of the biggest things many of my clients struggle with — especially the responsible, capable ones — is letting go of control. Me too. We are holding so many moving pieces at home: keeping everyone on schedule, managing emotions, making sure nothing falls through the cracks. It is not just the literal "to-do list", it is all the invisible labour behind the scenes too.

And then clients come to me exhausted, saying things like:

Here’s what we usually discover together: the control doesn’t come from malice or ego. It comes from fear. We are managing everything and everyone, because we want things done in our particular way. Because deep down, different feels dangerous. And then we blame everyone else for not stepping up and pulling their weight. One of my favourite examples is when I lost it (again) when my husband and kids were leaving their plates on top of the dishwasher. Why am I the only one in this house that actually packs things IN the dishwasher? And my husband's calm reply:

"You know, I usually go to the dishwasher with the fullest intent of packing it in. But then I stare at the machine for 5 minutes wondering how Marietjie would do it... And when I can't figure that out, I rather just leave it. Because if I pack it 'wrong', you will be mad anyway." Ooof!

When your kids pack the dishwasher “wrong,” it’s not a crisis. When your partner handles a situation differently, it’s not a threat. When you child forgets her sports clothes at home on L.O. day, it is not an insurmountable disaster. In fact, allowing your family to do things different than you is often exactly the space they need to grow.

Your kids and your partner are not extensions of you. And that is a good thing! Because when you stop over-functioning, they get to learn how to take up responsibility — in their own way. And yes, it might look messy or inefficient at first. But that’s how real learning happens.

Letting go means stepping back enough to make space. It means getting curious when they do things differently. It means tolerating a bit of discomfort in the short term so that everyone (including you!) can thrive in the long term. It means letting them do L.O. with their school clothes or borrowing from a friend, not rushing to school to drop it off. It means eating hotdogs with a smile if you give over some dinner responsibility to your husband.

So next time you feel the urge to jump in, fix, explain, or redo - stop. Ask yourself:

• Is it really a disaster… or just different?

• What might they learn if I don’t step in?

• What might I learn if I let go?

Control keeps things predictable. But space? Space leaves room for growth.